You've GOT To Be Kidding Me!
by XxLoverSarahxX
Summary: Parody of Twilight! Funny! Read! Teen for strong language!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight cause I'm just too amazing.**

**Take 23:**

Renée: Goodbye Bella.

Bella: Bye mommy! I love you!

Renée: Say hi to Charlie for me.

Bella: I will.

Renée: And tell him I hope he falls off a cliff into a boiling pot of water with mutated sharks that eat him alive.

Bella: SOUNDS GOOD TO MEEE!

**Take 72:**

*Bella gets her truck*

Bella: *looks at it*

Charlie: What's wrong with it?

Bella: *continues to look at it*

Charlie: Bella?

Bella: *screams* IT'S SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! SCREW YOU CHARLIE, I LOVE THIS TRUCK MORE THEN YOU….Well….my shoes are pretty cool as well…..

**Take 10:**

*Bella's first day at school*

Erik: You must be Isabella Swan.

Bella: Who the fuck is that? *voices lowers* My name is Bill.

Erik: *runs away*

**Take 83:**

*Bella is going shopping with Jessica and Angela*

Jessica: Does this dress make my butt look big?

Bella: *stares wide eyed* I'm going to go kill myself now….

**Take 736024349:**

*Bella's walking with Jacob, trying to figure out what Edward is*

Jacob: The pale ones are vampires.

Bella: I like puppies….

Jacob: In the next book I'm going to turn into a werewolf.

Bella: *GASPS* DOES THIS MEAN YOU KNOW SPONGEBOB!?

**Take 8:**

*Bella walks into Biology for the first time*

Bella: I'm a new student and my blood smells amazing. *stops* HOLY SHIT! A FAN! Let me stand in front of is so vampires can smell me….. *stands in front of the fan*

Fan: *slaps Bella* YOU FUCKING STANK! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SOAP!?!?!?!?!?!

**Take 79:**

*Bella and Edward's in Biolgy watching a movie*

Bella: *sticks a finger in mouth, trying to be sexy* You should come over tonight….

Edward: *grins*

Bella: ….and clean my bathroom.

**Take 96:**

Erik: I like Bella.

Mike: No, I like Bella.

Tyler: WAIT ONE MOMENT THERE, I like Bella.

Jessica: I wanna fuck Bella….

Erik, Mike, and Tyler: *backs away slowly*

**Take 85:**

Mike: Wanna go out?

Bella: I'm busy.

Mike: I didn't tell you when, though…. *sad*

Bella: Like I said, I'm busy.

Mike: Doing what?

Bella: Humping trees.

**Take 47:**

Bella: Hi Jasper.

Jasper: Hello Bella. *looks at Alice* Can I eat her now?

Alice: *shrugs* I'll turn the other way…..

**Take 920:**

Bella: I know what you are.

Edward: Say it.

Bella: No…

Edward: SAY IT.

Bella: FINE, YOU'RE A PRETTY MERMAID!!!!

Edward: *mutters* Fuck….how did she guess?

**Take 21:**

*in Edward's room*

Bella: No bed?

Edward: Nope.

Bella: Why not?

Edward: Cause I like it standing up….

**Take 392:**

Alice: HI BELLA! IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU!

Bella: The feeling isn't mutual….

Alice: Let's go shopping!

Bella: Hell no.

Alice: *sighs* I'll buy you a…..

Bella: A RUBBER DUCKY!?!?! *grins*

**Take 39:**

*Edward saves Bella from the car, and they are on the ground together*

Bella: You saved me….

Edward: *glares* There I go again….saving pathetic girls I wanna get it on with…..

Bella: Excuse me?

Edward: *looks around* I said nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Take 3:**

*James has Bella*

James: I vant to drink your blood…..

Bella: *looks down* Shit….not again.

**Take 82:**

*Cullen's are playing baseball when James shows up*

James: You brought a snack….

Jasper: *pushes James* If anyone gets to eat her, it'll be me!

James: *pushes back* Look here, emo kid! I am going to eat her!

Jasper: *slaps* OH NO YOU AIN'T

Alice: *paints Victoria's nail* Our husbands are so stupid….

Victoria: *jumps on Alice and makes out with her*

**Take 809:**

***Bella firsts sees Edward***

**Jessica: And he was like, "I would never date you!" I mean, can you believe it!?!**

**Bella: *nods* Oh yes…. *goes back to play DS under the table***

**Edward: *walks past, sexily***

**Bella: OH EEM GEE! WHO IS THAT!!!???? HE'S BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!**

**Jessica: *rolls eyes* That's Edward Cullen. You have no chance with him.**

**Bella: I wasn't talk about him! I was talking about him! *points to the principal* **


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Dudddeeeeeee, I do not own Twilight :]

_**THIS ONE IS OF NEW MOON!!!! ;D**_

**Take 2:**

*At school*

Lauren: Look at her, Jessica, she's pathetic! *looks at Bella*

Jessica: She disgusts me! *glowers*

Bella: I know right? God, how I hate Bella!

**Take 73:**

*In the garage with Jacob*

Jacob: I'm in my middle 30's! And you're like 20! Muahaha! *sticks out tongue*

Bella: At least I don't have rabbies.

**Take 56:**

*Charlie is yelling at Bella*

Charlie: That's it! I'm sending you back to Renée in Jacksonville.

Bella: Okay.

Charlie: I'm not taking NO for an answer! I'm sending you to her!

Bella: Alright.

Charlie: Stop arguing! I'm not changing my mind!

Bella: Very well.

Charlie: FINE! YOU CAN STAY!!! *stomps away*

**Take 87:**

*At school*

Mike: We should go out sometime.

Bella: I'm in a relationship.

Mike: With who? Cullen's gone.

Bella: My imaginary friend. *walks away*

**Take 25:**

*Bella is going to the strangers who she "recognizes"*

Short Guy: What can I do for you?

Bella: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Short Guy: So you're gonna go?

Bella: Yep!

Short Guy: Well, can I have permission to think about you when I'm in the bath tonight?

Bella: NO! *runs away*

Short Guy: *mutters* I'm still gonna.

**Take 61:**

*Bella and Jake on the beach, arguing.*

Bella: Why do you have to kill people, Jake?

Jacob: Because it's fun.

Bella: Oh….

Jacob: And they taste good as well.

Bella: O.O

Jacob: Just kidding…………….not really………….

**Take 48:**

*With the Volturi*

*Aro takes Edward's hand and reads his every thought*

Aro: *chuckles evilly and looks at Bella* *points fingers* He's had very naughty thoughts about you!

**Take 70:**

*Bella's walking towards the strangers*

Edward: Go back, Bella…..

Bella: SHUT THE FUCK UP, EDWARD! I WANT TO MARRY HIM!!!!

**Take 7293:**

*Bella sees Laurent in the Meadow*

Laurent: Hello Bella.

Bella: YO WUSSUP HOME-SKILLET-BUSCUIT-WITH-GRAVY-ON-THE-SIDE!?

Laurent: You are so racist….

**Take 53:**

*Sam finds Bella in the forest*

Charlie: What happened?

Sam: *turns red* Well… I guess I'm too big for her……

**Take 893.0:**

*Edward breaking up with Bella*

Bella: You….don't want me?

Edward: *rolls eyes* I've been cheating on you for the longest time with Rosalie.

Bella: *cries* Why!?

Edward: Why not? Who could ever want you?

Bella: *sobs* Really?

Edward: Nope!

*Ashton Kutcher jumps out of the bushes*

Ashton: YOU'VE JUST BEEN PUNKED!!!! SAY IT INTO THE CAMERA!!!!!

Bella: *grins* I've just been punked!

**Take 8:**

*Jessica and Bella sitting by each other in Spanish*

Jessica: I have a confession, Bella.

Bella: What is it?

Jessica: I have…

Bella: YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING WITH EDWARD!?! *slaps Edward*

Jessica: No, but I wish…. I have Crabs!

Bella: O.O

Jessica: And I might have given them to you.

Bella: O.O *backs away slowly*

**Take 39:**

*Billy and Bella talking in his living room*

Billy: I'm a pro at thumb war.

Bella: *laughs* Yeah, right.

Billy: Don't believe me?

Bella: No…I'm positive you're very good with your hands……

**A/N:**

**Tell me what you think! Is it lame or should I keep going! If you have ideas or want me to do it on something, tell me :D**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

_**Twilight And New Moon Together :D**_

**Take 0192: Twilight**

*prom*

Bella: I want to be one of you.

Edward: Why?

Bella: Because I hate the taste of Broccoli….

**Take: 3.93820293 New Moon**

*Carlisle is stitching Bella up from her Birthday Party*

Carlisle: Edward does not believe have souls anymore….

Bella: That's amazing.

Carlisle: I KNOW RIGHT!? I WAS LIKE OMG! AND WTF!!!!

**Take A-Freaking-Large-Number: Twilight**

*Bella and Edward in Biolgy*

Bella: Did you get new contacts?

Edward: No.

Bella: You didn't?

Edward: I just said I didn't.

Bella: Are you sure you didn't get new contacts?

Edward: I'm positive.

Bella: ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SURE YOU DIDN'T!?!

Edward: I didn't.

Bella: How'd your eye color change then?

Edward: I got contacts.

**Take 876: Twilight**

*Bella and Edward are sitting alone at his lunch table*

Edward: Your friends are angry that I stole you.

Bella: Oh. Cool.

Edward: I may not give you back.

Bella: …..why not?…..

Edward: Because, Bella, *voice deepens* I AM YOUR FATHER.

**Take 38-OH LOOK A PONY!: New Moon**

*Jacob and Bella are in her room, Jacob trying to get her to figure out he's a werewolf*

Jacob: Come on, Bella! You know this!

Bella: ….really?…..

Jacob: Yes! Remember that day at La Push? I told you stories?

Bella: Oh, yes.

Jacob: Think about what I told you.

Bella: *screams* GOD DAMN IT, I'M NOT GOING TO PULL MY PANTS DOWN FOR YOU.

**Take 7201238: Ummmm, I think it's Eclipse :D (A/N: I need to re-read Eclipse if you want more on this book, tell me if you do!)**

*Edward is trading Bella over to Jacob*

Edward: Hello, dog.

Jacob: Shut up, blood sucker.

Bella: OH LOOK, PRETTY FLOWERS!!!! *runs towards them*

Edward: I can read your thoughts. She's mine.

Jacob: Well, mister I-know-everything, you don't know everything! Anyway, I'm wayyyyyy better then you.

Edward: How so, parasite?

Jacob: I just am!

Edward: *moans*

Jacob: WTF WAS THAT!?

Edward: *moans louder* You can't do this, dawg.

Jacob: I BET I CAN!

Edward: NUH-UH!

Jacob: *moans*

*Edward and Jacob start moaning uncontrollably*

Bella: *walks over to the moaning boys* Umm…… *walks away*

**Take 912:** **New Moon**

*Bella jumps off a cliff*

Bella: This so fun! So thrilling…just….amazing.

Edward: OH FUCK! NO!!! GOOOOOOO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HEIGHTS!!!!!!

**Take 123456789: Twilight**

*Bella's first day of school*

Bella: *pulls into a parking spot and steps out*

Edward: *whispers to Jasper* How much you wanna bet I can make her fall in love with me?

Jasper: *whispers back* Twenty.

Edward: *grins and whispers* How much you wanna bet I can get her knocked up?

Jasper: *laughs hysterically* Five million dollars.

Edward: YOU'RE ON!!!!

**Take 987654321: New Moon**

*Bella cuts her finger*

Bella: Ow.

Edward: NOOO!!!! *pushes Bella back*

Jasper: *eats Edward and Bella*

**Take 8793: Twilight**

*Jasper is watching Bella in the hotel room while Alice is doing something or another*

Bella: Favorite color?

Jasper: Blood red.

Bella: Favorite animal?

Jasper: Humans.

Bella: Who would you rather fuck? Angelina Jolie or Rosalie?

Jasper: Are there any other choices?

**Take 427: New Moon**

***Meets Embry and Quil in Jacob's garage***

**Embry: It's lovely to meet you, Bella.**

**Bella: Dido.**

**Quil: Yes, you are quite beautiful.**

**Bella: Likewise.**

**Jacob: I would do you any day.**

**Bella: The feeling is mutual.**

**Embry, Quil, and Jacob: REALLY?**

**Bella: Fuck no *clings onto Mike* Let's go Mikeykins!!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight**

_**Twilight**_

**Take 1029384756:**

*Lauren and Jessica first see Bella*

Lauren: Oh my god, Jessica! Look at her butt! It looks like one of those rapper guys girlfriends! I mean, who understands those rapper guys, anyway? It's like so big…and out there!

Jessica: *sings in a deep voice* I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE! OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY! WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WITH AN IDDY BIDDY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE YOU GET SPRUNG!

Lauren: *walks away* I do not know why I'm friends with you….

**Take 59:**

*Edward is walking Bella to class*

Edward: *runs the back of hand across Bella's cheek*

Bella: *turns red*

Mike: GET A ROOM!

**Take Gazillion billion:**

*in the car heading to the restaurant from Port Angeles*

Edward: Distract me.

Bella: O.O

Edward: I SAID DISTRACT ME!!!!!!!!!

Bella: I'm going to tell Charlie on you! *runs away crying*

**Take 102:**

*Edward is about to suck the venom out of Bella*

Carlisle: You need to suck it out if you don't want her to be a vampire….

Edward: I won't be able to control myself.

Bella: *hypervenalting on the floor*

Carlisle: If you love her, you will.

Edward: I do not think I can…

Bella: *coughs up blood*

Carlisle: Time is running out, Edward.

Edward: I do not think I can do it.

Bella: *dies from the pain*

Carlisle: You're too late….

Edward: Cool. Can we go get some ice cream, daddy?

**Take 135:**

*the car is about to hit Bella*

Bella: *stares*

Car: *slides*

Bella: *stares*

Car: *slides faster*

Edward: *whispers to Alice* Why the fuck is she just standing there?

Bella: *stares*

Car: *sighs and slides*

Bella: *listens to music and does Thriller*

Car: *jealous and comes faster*

Edward: Fuck it. Hold my purse, Alice.

**Take 893:**

*in the meadow*

Edward: So the lion fell in love with the lamb.

Bella: Since when do lions live by lambs?

Edward: It's a metaphor.

Bella: LIONS DON'T LIVE BY LAMBS!

Edward: I know. It was a silly metaphor that I thought was insanely romantic.

Bella: *grabs Edward by the collar* IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!!!

Edward: IT WAS A FUCKING METAPHOR, GET OVER IT BITCH.

Bella: I would eat the lamb….

Edward: YOU'D EAT YOURSELF?!

Bella: NO! Since I am the big bad lion, I'd eat the lamb.

Edward: I'm the lion. You're the lamb.

Bella: Can I be a werewolf?

**Take 73:**

*at school*

Erik: It's La Push, baby. La Push!

Bella: …….

Mike: So can you come?

Bella: ………..

Mike: Helloooo? Bella?

Bella: WHAT!? HUH!? Oh, sorry, I was thinking of ways to kill you.

**Take 893:**

*Bella and Jessica first meet*

Jessica: Hi! I'm Jessica!

Bella: Cool.

Jessica: You must be Isabella.

Bella: GOD DAMMIT. WHY DOES NOBODY GET IT!? IT'S BELLA. JUST FUCKING BELLA!!!!!!!

**Take 1:**

*Bella and Edward have their first conversation!*

Edward: If you don't like it cold, and rainy, why'd you move here?

Bella: Reasons.

Edward: What reasons?

Bella: My mother and step-father.

Edward: I understand. How are you?

Bella: I gotta pee really bad.

**Take 667:**

***eating at Los Angeles***

**Edward: I know what everyone's thinking in this restaurant….apart from yours.**

**Bella: Is there something wrong with me?**

**Edward: WELLLL…..Yes.**

**Bella: *gasp* I SO HAVE TO TWITTER THIS!**


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I have no own age of Twilight…. DARN THE AMERICANS!!!!!! Even though I am one….._

_**Twilight && New Moon**_

**Take 2938:**

*Bella first arrives at school*

Erik: Nice car.

Bella: Thanks….a hobo gave it to me.

**Take 482:**

*Bella notices that Edward is not at school*

Bella: Where's Edward?

Jessica: Him and his family always go hiking on sunny days.

Bella: Oh….I hope Edward gets eaten by a bear….PAYBACK FOR IGNORING ME EDWARD! PPAAYYBBAACCKK IS A BITCH!!!!

**Take 780:**

*Bella is going to meet Edward's family*

Bella: Are you sure they'll like me…?

Edward: You are going to a house full of vampires and you're nervous that they won't like you?

Bella: Nah, I'm just nervous that Emmett will tell you what we did yesterday….

Edward: O.O

**Take 893:**

*Bella is talking to Edward once he comes back from his disappearance*

Bella: So where were you?

Edward: I had to go somewhere….personal reasons.

Bella: What reasons?

Edward: Just….reasons.

Bella: GOD DAMMIT, YOU ARE A TRANSVESTITE!!!!!

**Take :**

*Edward saves Bella from Los Angeles from the mean people*

Edward: You don't know the vile things they were thinking.

Bella: And you do?

Edward: Of course….I'm one of them *grins evilly*

**Take 77777777773737777777777777777:**

*Edward and Bella are in the meadow*

Bella: It's pretty.

Edward: Yep.

Bella: You are pretty.

Edward: Totally.

Bella: But Mike is hunkalicious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Take 5243:**

*Bella is sleeping*

Edward: *thinks* I see you winding a grinding up on the pole, I know you see me looking at you and you already know, I wanna fuck you. Fuck you. You already know, I wanna fuck you, fuck you. You already know.

Bella: *jumps on Edward* I wanna fuck you too!!!!

Edward: Ewh, bitch! I was thinking of Lauren. SHE'S SEXXYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

**Take 712:**

*Edward is leaving*

Edward: I'm a killer, Bella. I don't think we can be together.

Bella: O.O

Edward: You'll never see me again. I'm leaving with my family.

Bella: O.O

Edward: Bella?

Bella: O.O

Edward: SAY SOMETHING BELLA!!!!

Bella: I want Burger King….

**Take 1:**

*Victoria, James, and Laurent are running through the forest*

Victoria: So who are we gonna kill today?

James: I was thinking we should kill you….

**Take 4:**

*James, Victoria, and Laurent are in the baseball field with the Cullen family*

Laurent: *grabs the baseball off of the floor* Here! You dropped this!

Carlisle: That isn't ours.

Laurent: Why of course it is. *shoves it in his hands* TAKE IT.

Carlisle: IT ISN'T OURS!

Laurent: YES IT IS!

Carlisle: YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!!!!

Laurent: *shoves it into his hands harder* TAKE IT!!!

Carlisle: HE'S TOUCHING ME!!!!! YOU PERVERT!!!!!! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP OUR AFFAIR A SECRET!!! DAMMIT!!!!

**Take 623:**

*Bella and Alice and Jasper are in the hotel room*

Bella: Alliiiiceeeee, I'm boreddddd.

Alice: You wanna prank call people?

Bella: SURE!!!!!

*Bella calls Jasper*

Jasper: Hello?

Bella: *speaks in a man's voice* I HAVE A NEW PRODUCT FOR YOU!!!! EXTENZ!!!

Jasper: I do not need that…..

Bella: Yes you do.

Jasper: Says who?

Bella: Alice, your girlfriend. She saw mine and she said yours looks like a baby toe compaired to mine!!!! SO HOW MANY PACKAGES!?!

Jasper: *hangs up*

**Take 9:**

***Carlisle comes into Edward's room where Bella and Edward are***

**Carlisle: I found something of yours, Edward.**

**Edward: *whispers to Bella* Keep your mouth shut. I'll handle this.**

**Bella: *nods***

**Edward: I don't know what you are talking about, Carlisle.**

**Carlisle: *taps his foot and looks at Bella* Bella?**

**Bella: HE'S GOT WEED, CARLISLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!! **


End file.
